I don't know why for the past several years I've been sad. It's like, fear of so many things. I know, I'm not sad all the time, but there is the time when I feel like falling aparts, when everything feels wrong, I'm feeling alone with no reassurance. 

I can't be 100% honest to everyone about what I feel because they may not understand and I'm too afraid to hear some bad things about me being exaggerated. Or maybe too selfish. Or maybe somehow I just hurt people I talk to.

They said, I have nothing to stress of because what am I doing so far? nothing. They see me as a person that irresponsible, careless and very happy and free, but the fact is I struggle so much, I didn't even know my self the best. 

All my friend seems having a good life. Having a beloved partner, some of them even have cute kids. They have good job on their workplace. What did I do to myself? I'm trying to pursue what I'd like to make it a job oneday but my strength isn't support me somehow.

I'm afraid, what will happen to me in the future, I'm tired of losing.

I study so hard for my future, I've got excellent GPA, but why it doesn't work out? 

I have never did big mistakes, I am not a rebellious child but I am like this now. This is not fair.

Well, sorry for maldness, I can only express my feeling here where nobody knows. No one in my life will read this.

But I know, God will save me, I will always believe in God.

Okay then, until next time.

 Well, it's me.

I'm not sure when was the last time I wrote on this blog but hi, this is me, Fuzihara Naomi. It's been a while, and still I don't know what to write here. I've been on my 'Aesthetic Fashion Teenage Girl' back on 2014 until maybe 2016? 

Back then, I have big passion about beauty things such as fashion, make-up and bodycare, and I'd like to share it to all audience I have here. That is why I create this blog. But after I graduated from highschool, I started to lost that passion.I attend Law Major in the University, and I do have another interest, one of my focus that I'm doing it until now is writing novels on Wattpad.

Time flies, I guess what everybody said about people come and go in your life phase is right. I started to lost my highschool's friends but lucky me, I met people back on 2017 that tend to stay with me until now, our friendship is now 6 years and I'll try to save this friendship because I'm tired losing.

Well, I graduated college with awesome GPA, but the myth its true that not every excelent student can got a proper job easly. 'They said' everybody that has 'connection' with people who works in certain company can help you join them, and when you just individuals the struggel is damn real.

But yeah that is for another story next time.

I have a lot of things to say in my next so... maybe, see you soon.

Bye!

I ... Don't know.
What have I done, I ruin everything. Today, I saw 2 things that hurt me so deeply. Have you ever being hurt after you sacrifice so much? Yes I feel it now..

Today I lost my trust to my old friend that I pretend her as my own little sister.. To be honest I feel batrayed. And now I accidently hurt the girl I feel as my own older sister, my role model, my best friend.

I feel I'm really annoying so everybody mad at me.. I feel really bad to disturb everybody with my honesty.
I regret, that I unmasked my self and show my true me.

Yes, I realize now, that nobody will unconditionally loves me as I do to them. I end up hurting them even I don't mean to do that..

I'm nothing but a disaster maker.. I am not good at socialization, I am not good at building friendship society.. I'm just a loner who scared to be alone...

I ruin everything.
I'm annoying, I am not worth it, I always make everyting mess... I'm sorry...

I know, when everything going better, soon I'll wear again my mask, and be like everyone wish I am. It's okay, I can deal with my own scars, at least I'm not hurting anybody again.. Especially some peoples I cared so much...

Alone, yeah ... I'm not talking about love relationship, but Friendship.
from the time to time, I learned that don't put your trust to anyone. Never trust anybody. I learned that 'bonding' will make you hurt in the end. It doesn't matter how long you keep your bond with your friends. It will eroded by the time.

Find your own way by your self. I've ever hand my trust and hope to my friend. But what I got now?? The one I trust left me behind. Hahaha .. It's funny isn't it? Like, I trust 'em like my own siblings but as I said, what I got? they left me behind.

One thing I got from this situation, be the person who kind to others but better hide your feelings from them. Cause no one will understand you except your self.
it looks negative? but be  rational person, man! You can't be naive. Everyone tricks you! everyone used you for their business and then gone, they'll left you behind!

Are you happy being ignored!? I'm not!!! I'm tired, everytime I hand my trust to some people, they always cheated on me... and put me in the worst situation that I had to solve 'em by my self..
If you think you have best friends in your real life, I bet you'll know about the hurt that I feel now.

What am I talking about? Eh ... I'm just ... feeling empty ... and tired.

But for you guys, If you have someone you trust, whoever they are, whatever if they are your online friends or  your real life friends, if you feel that they're your friends... Keep holding on , don't leave 'em. Cause you know how much the hurt you feel when you are alone...
so don't let them feeling that too...
Keep respect to each other. Be the kind person and the honest person. Do all your best for the people you love (Not only your bae, but also your family and ... your friends, and enemy if you have :v)
Be positive person.


Haa~ Long time no see and I posted a unimportant thing  I'm sorry guys, but hope you learn something by reading my article :)
and this is october right? Happy Anniversary for my blog!! :3

Love you guys!
Mata Aishimasou ne^^